


I remember it all too well

by denisecloyd



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Fluff, Jaehyun cries, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pain, Reckless Driving, Slow Dancing, Taeil and Johnny are mentioned but they're not really there, i miss jaewin so much, it's past two am and i've been writing all day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:04:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18914743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisecloyd/pseuds/denisecloyd
Summary: He was suddenly reminded of duvet cocoons and lazy kisses and slow dances by the light of the refrigerator in a small kitchen.





	I remember it all too well

**Author's Note:**

> I'm too tired to see if this is good but I worked so hard on it, it would be a shame not to post it.  
> In this fic we go back and forth between before and after their breakup and at one point there's a scene from the early days of their relationship so I hope it isn't too confusing.

“It’s not much, but it’s home” was the first thing Sicheng said when Jaehyun first visited his apartment all those years ago. It was a cold November evening, but Jaehyun had spent the whole way to Sicheng’s street jumping on the oak tree leaves that painted the sidewalks brown and red and yellow, enjoying the satisfying crunch they made under his weight. His cheeks were tainted a pretty shade of pink and his jet black hair was starting to stick to his forehead when Sicheng invited him into his apartment and offered him a glass of water.

Years later, he understood what Sicheng meant. The walls had dark moldy spots and the paint was peeling off in some places; the wooden floor creaked when he got up for a glass of water in the middle of the night; the shower head didn’t have nearly enough pressure and sometimes the water turned cold in the middle of a shower; the next door neighbors were loud and rude and there was always an unpleasant smell when they walked past their door. But this shitty one-bedroom apartment felt more like home than Jaehyun’s fancy house in his fancy neighborhood with its fancy furniture and fancy paintings adorning the walls ever did.

And now it really was his home. His parents hadn’t approved of his decision to move in with Sicheng for a number of reasons, but most of them they could deal with. They could deal with him dating a man. They could deal with him dating a foreigner. They could even deal with him dating someone who wanted to dance for a living instead of having a “proper job”. The one thing they couldn’t deal with, however, was the fact that their precious son was trading their high ceilings and pristine white walls and silk sheets for a small apartment in a dangerous area of the city.

His parents didn’t understand the meaning of home, though. Their marriage had been falling apart for as long as he could remember, the spark they once felt around each other gone long before he was born. His father’s second family was no secret to him, not since he found the pictures of his chubby 5-year-old half-brother in his office, and neither was his mother’s affair with the gardener. They didn’t understand what it was like to come home to the person you love the most and find comfort in their arms, didn’t know how safe he felt around Sicheng, even in a shady apartment building where the neighbors greeted him with glares and he had a constant runny nose due to the moisture.

The truth was the apartment itself was meaningless in Jaehyun’s eyes. Sicheng was and would always be his true home.

-

He slammed the door behind him, ignoring Sicheng’s pleading voice, begging him to stay a little longer and listen to what he had to say. Jaehyun didn’t need to hear an explanation, couldn’t even look Sicheng in the eye knowing what he knew now.

The words kept replaying in his head, and every time they did he felt more cracks forming in his already badly damaged heart. Soon it would break into a million pieces and he would never be able to fix it.

_I don’t love you anymore._

He wasn’t crying. Not yet, at least. Part of him was still in denial, still hoping it was all a nasty prank and Sicheng would walk out of their apartment and tell Jaehyun he could never stop loving him. He would cry and try to push Sicheng away, but would eventually allow himself to be pulled into Sicheng’s chest and they would be okay again.

But Sicheng stayed in their apartment – his apartment now – and Jaehyun walked out of the building alone, not knowing where to go.

-

“What if Taeil hates me?” He asked, lowering the sun visor so he could check his makeup in the mirror.

They had been driving for God knows how long and Jaehyun was so nervous he had half a mind to open the car door right there and jump onto the road. He didn’t usually care about impressing people – if he did, he wouldn't have had a very pleasant life – but this was Taeil. He was Sicheng’s best friend and the person whose opinion he valued the most. Jaehyun didn’t think Sicheng would break up with him if Taeil told him to, but he would rather not risk it.

So he went all out. He picked his most stylish outfit, curled his hair the way Sicheng always said looked good on him and spent hours on a makeup look he would probably wash off not too long after they got to their destination, judging by all the different shades of orange adorning the sky. Sicheng had watched the whole thing with an amused smile on his face, having thrown on a baggy T-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans hours ago and called it a day, but didn’t say a thing as Jaehyun fussed over his appearance all morning.

Jaehyun couldn’t believe they were doing this. Granted, Sicheng knew all of Jaehyun’s close friends already, but this felt different somehow. This felt like taking their relationship to the next level, like meeting someone’s parents or moving in together or adopting a cat. This felt like there was an invisible hand around his heart and another around his throat. Jaehyun hated it, hated the way his hands were sweating and his heart was pounding and his leg wouldn’t stop bouncing no matter what he did.

“Baby,” The pet name was said so casually, like it was the most natural thing in the world. It made Jaehyun’s heart ache. “Taeil might be a dumbass, but he’d have to be absolutely insane not to love you.”

Jaehyun wanted to disagree, wanted to tell him that many people disliked him and not all of them were insane, but he knew Sicheng was just trying to make him feel better and probably didn’t believe what he was saying. Or maybe he did. Sicheng seemed to think very highly of him, even if he didn’t deserve it, and he always made sure to remind him of that. Jaehyun loved him so much it was painful sometimes.

“I love you.” He blurted out, staring ahead of him. Sicheng didn’t say a word and he didn’t push. He didn’t need Sicheng to say it back. He just wanted to say it.

They were approaching a traffic light and Jaehyun didn’t know if he wanted to cheer or scream when the light turned from green to yellow and then settled on red. He thought he would combust if he had to spend another minute trapped in that car, but he was also dreading what was waiting for them in their destination.

He was expecting Sicheng to stop the car, but they kept getting closer and closer to the traffic light and he showed no signs of slowing down. Jaehyun panicked.

“Sicheng, the red light!”

The car came to an abrupt halt and Jaehyun felt himself being propelled forward, mentally patting himself on the back for being a responsible citizen and always fastening his seatbelt as soon as he got in a car.

He was ready to yell at Sicheng for being so careless, but when he looked to the left he found him already looking at him with a strange look on his face, as if Jaehyun had grown an extra head or started speaking in Parseltongue.

“You said you loved me,” He said it in a soft whisper, more to himself than Jaehyun, as if he couldn’t quite believe his ears and was testing the idea on his tongue. “You’ve never said that before.”

“I’ve said it before.” It was true. He had said it a couple of times on goodnight texts and social media posts, always with shaking hands and a pounding heart.

“Never to my face.”

“Isn’t it the same thing?” He pretended to check his makeup in the mirror again.

“It’s not.” Sicheng grabbed his face and forced him to make eye contact. He wasn’t a big fan of eye contact, but Sicheng’s eyes were the prettiest shade of brown and he was looking at Jaehyun with so much love he felt like he was going to explode. His ears felt warm and he knew they were turning dark red, like they always did when he was embarrassed. He tried to hide them, but Sicheng was quicker than him, grabbing his hands before they could reach his ears.

“I meant it, though,” He felt braver somehow, like he could conquer the world now that they were touching. He had no desire to conquer anything, but he would for Sicheng. He would do anything, go anywhere, fight anyone. “I love you.”

Sicheng brought his hands close to his face and pressed a gentle kiss on each knuckle. Jaehyun was sure he was going to cry.

“I know.” He let go of one of his hands to cradle Jaehyun’s face. His touch was feather-like, as if Jaehyun was something too precious to be handled roughly. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, turning his head a little to kiss Sicheng’s palm. “I love you too.”

He didn’t have to say it. Jaehyun knew.

-

_I don’t love you anymore._

The tears were finally threatening to spill, but Jaehyun refused to cry. He knew that if he did he wouldn’t be able to stop. He would cry until it killed him, until his tears flooded the car and he drowned in them.

_I don’t love you anymore._

He was lying. He had to be lying. They were so good together, the kind of couple everyone envied for the amount of love and devotion they had for each other, the kind everyone thought would grow old together. Jaehyun wondered where he went wrong. It must have been his fault.

_I don’t love you anymore._

He was angry. Angry at himself for not seeing it coming, angry at Sicheng for working his way into every crevice of his heart, only to leave with no warning. He was angry at his parents and Johnny and Taeil and his stupid History teacher for pairing them up for that project six years ago. He was angry at the lady at the mall who said they were a cute couple and the neighbor who once asked them when they were getting married and that dog they were planning on adopting before they found out they weren’t allowed to keep pets in their apartment building.

Anger was making him reckless, he was aware of that, but speeding through red lights felt good in that moment, so he kept doing it, hoping it would kill him before he had to live without the one real thing he had ever known in his life. But it didn’t.

He walked past his shocked parents without a word and managed to get inside his old bedroom before he broke down into sobs.

-

The clock marked three o’clock in the morning, but the bed felt empty without Sicheng’s warmth and so Jaehyun was wide awake. The bedroom floor had creaked – as it always did – under Sicheng’s weight, waking Jaehyun up from a strange dream that involved giant Johnny heads floating in the sky and talking shrimps.

He had fallen asleep in Sicheng’s arms earlier that night, his head buried in his chest and their legs all tangled up with each other. It was the safest he had felt in a while, but now that sense of security was gone and he felt empty and cold.

He managed to muster the courage to get up from the bed, wrapping the duvet around himself like a cocoon and wincing as the floorboards creaked with his every step.

Sicheng was in front of the fridge, staring as it as if he was trying to solve a particularly tricky puzzle, and Jaehyun had to suppress a giggle. He looked like an art connoisseur in front of an abstract painting or a high school student in front of a math equation.

“Anything good?” He asked, not bothering to try and quiet down his laugh when Sicheng jumped five feet into the air.

“Jesus Christ,” Sicheng whispered, clutching his chest. “Why are you up so late?

“I missed you,” Jaehyun pouted, tiptoeing closer to him. “The bed feels empty without you in it.”

“Baby,” He cooed, pulling Jaehyun against his chest. Jaehyun took the opportunity to wrap the duvet around him too, protecting him from the cold air coming out of the fridge. “I’m so sorry, I just wanted a snack.”

Jaehyun hummed in response, closing his eyes and slowly swaying both of them from side to side, making Sicheng laugh.

“Are you dancing? Is that what you’re doing?”

“Yeah.” He pulled the duvet tighter around both of them.

“There’s no music.” And yet he swayed with Jaehyun, mouthing along his jaw while they lazily circled the room.

“Then sing something.” He kissed Sicheng then, slow and sweet, feeling a tingling sensation spread over his whole body when he kissed back. They could’ve kissed for five seconds or five years, too focused on each other to worry about something as meaningless as time.

Sicheng broke the kiss, only to press their foreheads together and start humming a melody Jaehyun didn’t recognize. It was beautiful and pure, like a snowflake melting in someone’s hair or the first flower to bloom in the spring.

_Home_ , he thought. _It sounds like home._

-

Jaehyun rubbed his hands together to try to warm them up enough to drive. It was the coldest day of the year so far, the wind so bitter and cruel most people decided to stay in the comfort of their homes. Jaehyun didn’t mind the cold, though. He hadn’t felt warmth in years.

He giggled as he looked at his face in the rearview mirror. He looked cute like that, with most of his forehead covered by his pastel pink beanie and his nose red from the cold. He snapped a quick picture of himself and sent it to Johnny, hoping it would brighten his day a little bit.

He turned on the radio, hoping that dancing alone in his car would keep him warm until he got home and wrapped himself in a blanket with hot chocolate and a Harry Potter movie. Madonna’s new song was playing, the one his mother really liked, and he allowed himself to stay in the parking lot until it was over, recording a couple of silly videos he knew she would love. The radio DJ announced the next song, a new song by an artist he had never heard of, who went by the name of “Winwin”.

He was about to leave the parking lot when he heard the first note. He was suddenly reminded of duvet cocoons and lazy kisses and slow dances by the light of the refrigerator in a small kitchen. Sicheng’s beautiful voice sang of love and regret and a feeling he had long forgotten: _home._

He felt like screaming, so he did. He screamed until his throat felt raw and sore and then he screamed some more. He screamed until his screams turned into sobs and his shirt was wet with his own tears, Sicheng’s name falling from his lips like a mantra as if saying his name could turn back time and make him come back to Jaehyun.

It was over as quickly as it started. Jaehyun felt hollow, completely drained for the first time in years, but he still wiped his tears in his shirt sleeve and tried to compose himself in the rearview mirror.

He turned off the radio and drove back home.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on twitter @lalisadyke


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